There is an Eagles song that starts off with, “I got the call today, I didn’t want to hear, but I knew that it would come.”
While that song refers to lost love, the first sentence always makes me think of other bad news that you know will come eventually, and that happened to me a few weeks ago.
I haven’t always been very close to my brother, he is 19 years older than I am, but as we got older, we connected more and more. No, he hasn’t passed away, but his health has deteriorated so that he cannot live alone.
His wife was recently placed into a nursing home, and his daughter lives far from him.
Heck, he lives far from me. So, I took some time to go to North Carolina and see what needed to be done to help.
I didn’t want to accept that my larger-than-life brother was failing.
I thought maybe I could just check it out and assure his daughter that he was fine and just needed a little help.
It turns out that he needed additional support, so we have to find an assisted living facility for him. The facility will help him take his meds, eat regularly, and help him if he falls or has another type of emergency.
This process is not easy. First, Medicaid does not cover such a facility if your income exceeds a certain threshold. In North Carolina, that threshold is $1,305.00, which is below the poverty level. If you make even a dollar more, you do not qualify for a Medicaid bed. The rates and eligibility are different for each state. In New York, generally, your income would have to pay it directly and you only get to keep a small portion of that income each month.
We tried to get a Certified Medical Assistant (CMA) to assist my brother several months ago, but even though he qualified, there is a shortage of such aides available in rural North Carolina.
I was told several times that the Medicaid “beds” (as they call them) are basically one-way tickets. We did visit a lovely place that would have been perfect, but even with his social security benefits, the private pay portion was much more than he could afford. The admissions personnel are helping us with applying for Veteran’s assistance, and hopefully, once he qualifies, we will be able to afford a nice place for him. I have a very good friend familiar with such applications who is helping me with that process.
Aside from the financial and medical aspects of this whole mess, we are contending with the emotional aspects, as well.
It is painfully clear that neither he nor his wife can return to their home and previous lives. They are just not strong enough. So, we have to deal with closing up the house, selling what we can, deciding what to keep, and what part of their lives we have to discard.
The house is rented, so we have to work quickly, otherwise we have to pay next month’s rent. I had to rehome their beloved older dog, Bijou. Saying goodbye to her was the hardest part for them. I did manage to find a very kind person who fell in love with her and although my brother and his wife are very unhappy, they are at least at peace with the decision. I had to promise my brother that I would not put her in a shelter (NEVER!)
I guess that brings me to my takeaways from this (continuing) experience:
Prepare and organize as much as you can in your home, or the burden will fall on your children and loved ones.
I will always be there for my brother and his wife, but dealing with other people’s memories is incredibly difficult. My brother said the only things he was attached to were his dog and his wife. His wife, on the other hand, has photo albums, Christmas ornaments, and a million other things that made up her life that she didn’t think she would have to deal with so soon. My sister-in-law certainly never expected not to be able to return home.
Clear out things you don’t need or won’t use. If you have special letters or cards, you can take a photo and save them digitally, rather than finding space for the physical copy.
Get important documents in one place, let your family know where everything is stored, and update them regularly.
Gather documents like bank accounts, insurance cards, car titles, rental agreements, deeds, cable or other monthly subscriptions, life, home, or car insurance policies, investments, military discharge paperwork, birth and death certificates, divorce decrees, etc. Make a list of things like doctors, prescriptions, passwords for online services, etc.
Apply for the benefits for which you are eligible.
If you were declined for the benefits, make a note of that somewhere with the declination letter. If you do not know what you are eligible for, call your local politicians; their staff is there to assist and guide you.
I was fortunate to find my brother’s Navy discharge papers from 1966. I don’t know why he never applied for VA benefits, but finding these documents has been essential to applying for the needed benefits.
Make a plan for your pets.
Most people think that their family will deal with their pet after they pass away, but in this case, both my brother and his wife are now in a nursing home until they can go to an assisted living facility. The neighbors were very kind to feed her and let her out a couple of times a day, but that was not a permanent solution.
Create a will and advanced directives.
If you want a particular asset of yours to go to someone, make sure that is listed somewhere (usually in your will). We do offer a free “ethical” will that would help you keep all of this in one place. Just send me an email and I will send you the PDF.
Outline what you would like to happen in the event of illness or accident where you may not be able to communicate.
We have written many blogs on estate planning, be sure to read those on our website under blogs, for clear definitions on wills, advanced directives, trusts and more.
Ask for help and support.
I do have to return to complete the clean-out soon. Thank goodness for kind neighbors and friends. I came home and immediately started purging all of my own stuff in my garage and shed. I don’t want to put my son in this position someday.
Remember that “call” will happen to us all eventually. It is best to be prepared for it.
Sugarman Law is here to assist you with questions, planning or resources. Reach out anytime